August 26, 2013
“Chance” and “luck” are words that don’t hold a whole lot of
meaning to me anymore.
Tomorrow I will report for surgery
that will remove the remaining half of my thyroid. Five days ago, I got the worst news of my
life.
Five days ago, Dr. R, my ENT, left a voicemail that
said, “Hello, Dr. R calling for Mrs. B. So, the pathologist called
me. They say that that thyroid is just
fine. However, they also said that a few lymph nodes I removed just some teeny
ones right in the front, that one of those had metastatic thyroid cancer even
though they don’t see that in that half of your thyroid I removed…” The rest of the voicemail was a blur. I felt like someone had just knocked the air
out of me. This wasn’t happening! It
couldn’t be happening! I was healthy! I was feeling great! I was only 27!
Just eighteen short months ago in February 2012, I had one
of the best surprises of my life. Even
though it had taken Jereld & I 10 months of trying to conceive our son
Beau, only two months after trying we were expecting another baby—due October
27, 2012! We were beyond excited!
The following month, my sister found out that she
had thyroid nodules and would need surgery to remove her thyroid. Hearing about her thyroid issues made me
paranoid that I might have the same thing.
I had always had a lump in my throat when I swallowed, but had always
thought that it was “normal” for me. I
didn’t do anything about it right away, but decided to see a doctor about it
soon.
At 9 weeks pregnant, I began to spot heavily. I was worried that I was starting to
miscarry. The Mr’s friend from
work (an ultrasound tech) did us a favor and gave me an impromptu ultrasound to
check on the baby and my pregnancy.
Nothing appeared out of the ordinary and the baby was doing just
fine. There was no apparent reason for
the spotting. While there, I asked him
to take a quick look at my thyroid, half expecting him to say that my thyroid
looked normal and that I could stop worrying.
When he started the ultrasound on my thyroid and found a
large nodule on my thyroid, to say I was disappointed would be an
understatement. The ultrasound tech called Dr. G (an ER doctor that was also a friend of the Mr’s). Dr. G made the ultrasound “official” by
writing an order for it and sent me for blood work to test my thyroid
levels. In the opinion of all involved,
my thyroid looked bad. Too much blood
flow to the nodule and calcification are markers for cancer; my thyroid nodule
had both. I needed a follow up and
biopsy with an endocrinologist and fast.
Scheduling an appointment with an endocrinologist proved to
be difficult. Every endocrinologist I
called either couldn’t get me in for three months or more or didn’t take
pregnant patients at all. Finally, I
found an endocrinologist who could get me in within a couple weeks named Dr.
A. When I went to Dr. A, he explained everything and scheduled a
biopsy. I was extremely nervous for the
biopsy and for what the results would show.
The biopsy ended up being easier than I expected and within a week or so
I had the results—BENIGN! What a relief! I didn’t have cancer. Biopsies can be wrong, but there was only a
1% chance or something that it was wrong.
I was fine! Dr. A recommended that I waited until after the baby
was born before proceeding with anything.
He would monitor my thyroid levels during pregnancy, but there was no
emergency. In fact, he did not recommend
having surgery at all until my nodule grew to 4 cm. At that point, my nodule
was somewhere around 3.5 cm.
We had the answer that my nodules were not cancerous, but
something about Dr. A’s recommendation to not have surgery after the baby
was born did not sit well with the Mr. and me, but we figured we would address
that issue after the baby was born.
In late May, we found out that we were expecting a baby
girl! We had already decided what her name would be. We were excited to meet our little Ten!
As my pregnancy progressed, the Mr. and I decided that I
should have surgery before the end of the year because our deductibles would
already be met. Ten’s birth would ensure that! So in September, the Mr. and I
met with Dr. R, an ENT that had been highly recommended by a friend who
had had a similar surgery. Dr. A also recommended Dr. R but still persisted to strongly recommend that I
did NOT have surgery. He recommended
that he could just watch my nodule and do periodic ultrasounds and biopsies and
blood work to confirm that I was still doing okay. Still, his recommendation did not feel right
to us.
During our meeting with Dr. R, he recommended surgery
and disagreed with Dr. A’s recommendations to hold off. We felt this was the right thing to do, so I
scheduled my surgery for the middle of December.
On October 24, 2012, Ten arrived. She was beautiful! She weighed 8 lbs. 10 oz.
and had lots of blonde hair.
As my surgery edged closer and closer, I began to feel
anxious. Thinking it was just
pre-surgery jitters, I tried to brush it off.
Everyone gets nervous for surgery, right?!?!? But, the closer it got the more I realized
that I could not go through with it. At
the time, I thought it was because Ten would only be 6 weeks old, and it
would be too hard to leave her. I know
now that that was not the only reason. The moment I cancelled my surgery, I
felt relieved and peaceful. I would have
surgery, just later. It would be more
expensive, so at the time I felt silly and as if I was wasting money, but I
still felt peaceful.
The end of January brought more surprises. the Mr.’s employer informed their employees that payday would be late. They were struggling financially and could
not make payroll. Any thoughts of
thyroid issues were gone at that point.
We were frantically submitting resumes to every job opening that seemed
half plausible for our family. The
following weeks proved difficult as payrolls continued to be late and
unpredictable.
In February, our little family made a trip to Winslow,
Arizona for an interview at the Little Colorado Medical Center. The Mr. was offered a job (with a significant
RAISE!), but we soon realized that what appeared to be a raise would be a
slight pay cut when the medical benefits were considered. On our drive home, both the Mr. and I got the
distinct impression that Heavenly Father was saying, “Just be patient, this
isn’t it!” The Mr. went to the temple to
confirm our answer and felt confident that the Winslow job was not for us. So, with the prospect of being out of a job
at any moment, we forged ahead.
We continued to submit resumes everywhere! The Mr. also started applying to our city's Police Department and was excited about that option. In April, we found out that the hospital my husband worked for would be
shutting down. The Mr. would be out of a
job! Shortly after, we found out that
the branch of the hospital (the branch that the Mr. worked at) would be
purchased by a BIG name hospital and that the Mr. might possibly be kept as an
employee with them. After lots of worry
and stress about who would be out of a job and who would be staying on, the Mr.found out that BIG name hospital would be keeping him.
Relief! the Mr. was able to keep his tenure, vacation days, and pay. A couple months later, he even got a teeny,
tiny raise. His new hours were a hard adjustment for our family (Mon-Thurs
1pm-11:30pm), but that was a small sacrifice for the blessing of a JOB!
BIG name hospital’s health insurance was also MUCH better than the benefits we had through
the previous hospital. In fact, they were equal to or
better than any benefits we had ever seen!
In June or July, I noticed that my thyroid nodule was
starting to bother me more and more, and I was concerned because my hair was
shedding. I wanted to be sure that my
thyroid was still functioning properly.
With the new insurance in place, I went to my Uncle’s doctor’s
office. I saw his PA , Jay G. who
asked me why I was waiting to get my thyroid out. He was of the opinion that Dr. R was
the best and that if he thought it should come out that I should follow that
advice. I got a referral (required by new insurance) to Dr. R and Dr.
W (a new endocrinologist recommended by a friend). Dr. W agreed with Dr. R that it
needed to come out soon.
I scheduled my surgery for August 15, 2013. In the weeks leading up to the surgery, I was
nervous, but the feeling was different.
The feeling I had was that the surgery needed to happen. So, I kept my surgery date.
Meanwhile, the Mr.'s application to the Police
Department was almost complete and was just lacking a few steps in the
background check. We were pretty sure
that the Mr. would be offered a job very soon, but he did not feel right
about continuing to pursue this option for some reason. He attended the temple and received a
confirmation that it was not the right thing for our family at this time.
The Sunday before my surgery, the Mr. and my brother gave me a Priesthood blessing. I don’t
remember the specifics of my blessing, but I know that the blessing told me
that the doctors would be guided. I also
remember the peace I felt as the Spirit washed over me.
Two days before my surgery, I was able to attend the temple
while the Mr. watched the kids. I had a
lot on my mind. Just a few days prior, the Mr. had gotten news that his fertility had declined even further (he has had
fertility issues in the past), making me question whether we would be able to
have more children. The thought of not being able to have more children is very
painful to me. I have had many occasions where I have felt like there are more
spirits waiting to come to our family. Add
to that stress the stress of my impending surgery and it was a difficult
combination.
I had had many thoughts about what would happen if I died in
surgery or if I went into a coma or other things like that.
As I sat on the bench waiting for the session to begin, I
thought I was going to be sick to my stomach. My stomach was churning. My Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS) was rearing
its ugly head and there was nothing that I could do about it but pray for
help. I prayed silently to myself for
what seemed like 20 minutes, asking God to settle my stomach and help me
relax. I tried reading the Bible in
front of me, but found myself speed reading and not really understanding the
words. The only saving grace was the
soft sound of the organ playing over the speakers. I sang each hymn in my head.
As I made it into the session, anxiety of whether I would
have to leave and be embarrassed overwhelmed me and brought on my IBS attack even
stronger. For what seemed like forever,
I was fighting nerves, trying to make myself relax and breathe and calm my
stomach. Finally, the Spirit calmed my
nerves and I was able to appreciate my time in the temple session. During my time in the session, I cried. I have never cried in a session, but this
time was different. This time I felt
like my world was crashing in on me. I
felt like there was nothing left for me to do but pray for God to help! Once, I
was in the Celestial Room, I prayed harder than I have ever prayed before and I
cried. I told God that I was nervous about my surgery. I told Him that I wanted more kids, but that
without His help I wasn’t sure that it would be possible for us to have more. I told Him that I have health problems that I
need His help with. I told Him that I needed help with this surgery because my
kids need a mother and the Mr. needs a wife. Absolute peace filled me. I wish I could have sat in that room forever.
The next day (the day prior to my surgery), I was a mess.
Throughout the whole day, I would find myself crying and then I would pray for
strength and comfort.
I put the kids to bed around 8:30 but hadn’t gone to bed
myself. I was too nervous. I stayed up a
couple more hours before I decided I had better head to bed. That night I felt
the Spirit stronger than I have ever felt before. At the time, I was humbled and very grateful
for this experience, but Heavenly Father knew that I would need this experience
to get me through the days ahead.
The next morning, I was still nervous for my surgery, but my
nervousness felt minimal. The surgery went great and I was able to recover
quickly. I did have pain, but much less
than I expected from having surgery.
The Relief Society scheduled meals to be brought to me after
my mom left. A friend of mine in the
ward came to get Buddy each afternoon to play with her boys which he loved! My
visiting teacher came each evening to help me feed the kids, give them baths, and
get them in bed. Before my surgery, I had wondered why I was given faithful
visiting teachers when someone else could probably benefit more from having
these faithful sisters come. Now I know why they were assigned to come to me.
After getting the phone call from Dr. R, my world has
been turned upside down even further. I
have since researched my specific type of cancer. According to Dr. R, there is a 95%
chance that it can be cured. I don’t
like the fact that I have to worry about odds, but all doctors involved have
told me that if you have to have cancer, then thyroid cancer is the one to have.
Specifically, I have Papillary Thyroid
Cancer.
The first day after finding out about my cancer was the
hardest. Both the Mr. and I cried so much that I wasn’t sure we could cry any
more. I have prayed so many times after
hearing the news. It almost doesn’t seem
real. I feel healthy. I have the same amount of energy I have
always had. Physically, I feel fine; emotionally,
not so much.
During my pre-op appointment on Friday with Dr. R for
this second surgery I am getting, he told us that a few cancer cells were found
in a lymph node that he “by chance” decided to take out. He explained that we are lucky we found
this. The half of my thyroid that was
removed showed no trace of cancer. The
cancer is presumably in the right side of my thyroid--the side that looks
normal on ultrasounds and appears to have no issues at all—the side that is
still in my body. Dr. R said there
is a chance that they may never find the source of the cancer since they cannot
even detect it on an ultrasound. He’s preparing me for that possibility
anyways.
Even if he believes it, the Mr. and I know that it was not
just by chance that Dr. R had the thought to remove the lymph node he
saw. We know that it was not just by
luck that this cancer was found. We both
feel that had I had the surgery back in December, the cancer would have gone
undetected as it probably had not spread to my lymph node at that point. We
know that God has orchestrated the events leading up to this discovery and
continues to guide our lives as we go through this struggle. God has answered prayers before we even said
them. He has provided comfort and support
that, at the time, we were unaware we needed.
We look back and realized that God has held our hand through
this entire experience. He helped me
find my thyroid nodule so we could find the cancer. He gave the Mr. and me
promptings that helped us decide to pursue surgery. He told me that surgery in December was not
the right timing. He helped us realize that the job in Winslow wasn’t right for
our family. He prompted my family doctor
to suggest surgery.
Ultimately, I feel like I will be okay. It’s not my time to die yet. God is not done with me.
More now than ever, the Mr. and I feel grateful for the
Atonement of our Savior, Jesus Christ. It is only through the Enabling Power of
His Atonement that we forge ahead, not knowing what tomorrow brings. We know
that because of His Atonement, death has no sting. We are grateful that we have
been able to be sealed to each other and know that, regardless of when we die,
we will be able to be together again! One thing we have both gained more of up
to this point is perspective.
We pray for added strength from God as we pursue a cure. We have many family members and friends who
are fasting and praying on my behalf as well.
For that we are very grateful.
We do have our doubting moments and moments of weakness. We are only human.
We pray that we will be able to accept God’s will for our
little family, whatever that may be.
